baby steps… i think i get it…
yesterday i wanted to blame myself for not cleaning up & working on my goals because i wanted to make myself feel guilty because i had 3 days off for memorial day weekend. while walking with mo (maurie) she told me not to be hard on myself and not to blame myself, take baby steps… in which i am, which i find is really hard to do. i’m the type that multi-task & likes to do things fast-fast-fast. baby steps makes me feel reall cripple, like i’m helpless & defenseless. i know a lot of this has to do with my pride, & a lot of it i just can’t let go. i feel shameful, i used to be the 1 with all the answers, now i’m the 1 with all the questions.
2 weeks ago i had to go to the hospital for a couple of tests for my liver. they took 5 tubes of blood, gave me an ultrasound & a nuclear scan test. i was told by my G.I. doc & my general physican that i cannot stress, drink alcohol or caffeine (cuz i can get high blood pressure) and that i need to eat right & exercise more. i didn’t want to tell my docs that while going to see them i was experiencing a panic attack. the G.I. doc noticed when i was there, she patted my shoulders & told me not to be nervous, it will be okay. i was given new meds & so far i’ve been feeling okay. i don’t know how i should feel- i mean the most part i know i should be thankful & it’s alright to be positive about it because i am trying my best to help myself, but another part of me- pride again, makes me feel really hopeless. i am turning 30 this year & already my body is falling apart. i have no 1 to blame but myself, & i have accepted it finally. i just wished i had taken care of my body better.
it’s been 2 weeks going on 3 since mo & i started walking for an hour after work 3 days a week. i think she was concern with my health too & we made a pack to start exercising & eating right. the 1st week we were bent out of shape, it was bad. but we did fine the 2nd week. the 3rd week which is this week got bad, for me. i didn’t drink enough water & when we started walking i got really dehydrated & dizzy. we had 1 more street left but i couldn’t make it so we went back to her house. when i got into the bathroom my whole entire body was shoked in sweat & i was so out of it. i had to splash water on my face several times to wake me up. when i got out mo made me some green juice from her juicer & i drank a large glass of water to cool down. afterwards i felt a lot better.
we sat down in her living room & talked about baby steps again. i told her that my cousin told me to do 1 thing a day & just do it & nothing else, then the next day do the same thing. mo said it was a good idea, don’t take leaps, take small steps. but me knowing me, i want to take those big leaps & i end up falling on my face again & again. i know that the healing takes time, i just wish it was faster, but i feel like i’m all out of options at this point. i’ve been depressed, stressed & suffered many anxiety attacks as well as health issues, finances, home, life, just everything & it’s hard for me to be motivated & keep up with it. so, i’m just going to try again. & if i fail i’m just going to get up & try again & again until i get there. i know if i look back where i was before & where i am now, i’m actually progressing, but i don’t want to be where i am now.